A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.
A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him ...A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.
A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn. The man notices the dog lying at the farmer's feet and smiles at the pooch.
"Can I talk to your dog?" The man asks. The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.
"Dog don't talk, but whatever," he replies.
"How are you doing, dog?" The man questions.
"Doing pretty good," the dog answers to the utter shock of the farmer. "My master takes me on three walks a day, lets me run in the field, and feeds me every day. I have a good life here." The man smiles. He then notices a horse who had trotted over to see what was going on.
"Can I talk to your horse?" The man asks again. The farmer is still skeptical.
"Horse don't talk, but whatever," the farmer answered again.
"How are you doing, horse?" The man queries.
"Doing really good!" The horse answers enthusiastically. The farmer's jaw has gone slack. "My master feeds me every day and lets me from the stables at dawn and dusk to run and stretch my legs." The man nods his head. He looks around and spots a sheep grazing nearby.
"Can I talk to your sheep?" The man asks.
"THAT SHEEP IS A FOOKIN' LIAR!" The farmer shouts.
I didn't dare put this in the poetry thread!
Burn's Poem - Another Version
Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an...I didn't dare put this in the poetry thread!
Burn's Poem - Another Version
Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae s**t ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
T...Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
A Scottish farmer points out the pub window to his farm across the road, and asks his friend, “Fa two hundred pounds, would ye hae sex wi' a coo?” They argue for a while about the nature of ethics, th...A Scottish farmer points out the pub window to his farm across the road, and asks his friend, “Fa two hundred pounds, would ye hae sex wi' a coo?” They argue for a while about the nature of ethics, the value of comedy, and the animal capacity for things like consent and love. Eventually the farmer’s friend is more or less persuaded, but he lays out three conditions:
“First, nae kissin' on the lips.”
“Aye.”
“Second, any bairns arising as a result of this coupling are the sole responsibility of the coo and/or the farmer wha owns her.”
“That’s me, mate. I don’t think ye’ve had enough to drink, but sure, yer second condition is fine. And the last?”
“I’ll need a couple weeks to come up with the two hundred pounds.”
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot...An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Donuld, an' Morag hud been merried fur 20 years, an nae sign o' any family comin', Wan day it a' happened, an' they wur blessed wi' a son. Morag, says tae Donuld, Y'ull huv tae walk awa, tae the Oban ...Donuld, an' Morag hud been merried fur 20 years, an nae sign o' any family comin', Wan day it a' happened, an' they wur blessed wi' a son. Morag, says tae Donuld, Y'ull huv tae walk awa, tae the Oban Times oaffice, an pit an advert in the newspapers, so oor freens 'ull ken wur huvvin a bairn!! Awa' goes Donul, an' treks ower the moors day, an'night, tae get his mission accomplished. He comes back three days latur, an says ah'm baak Morag!!, an' she says, How much did it cost ye Donuld?? an' he says a thousan' poun's!! lassie, Why so much, says Morag?? The man at the oaffice, asked me How many insertions?? an' ah' told um, Five a week fur 20 years!! !
Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - it...Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.
So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.
Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.
Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'
I originally heard a variation of this as a blonde joke but I like this one too!
A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a du...I originally heard a variation of this as a blonde joke but I like this one too!
A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...
'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'
The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'
That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep.
He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.
Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called you...you want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'
In a small town in the Borders there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to ...In a small town in the Borders there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.
Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'
'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.
Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't w...Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.
Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'
'Then why don't you wear them then?'
Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'
page=1&callback_module_id=pages&callback_item_id=420&year=&month=
View More
