Scottish Jokes

Wall Comment: #685

Scottish Tour Guides

The guide at Edinburgh Castle when asked why he was lacking the first finger on his right hand, answered: " I've been a guide, man and boy, for twenty-five years, and I just naturally wore that finger off pointing out places of interest to inquisitive tourists."
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" These rock formations, " explained the tourist-worn guide, " were piled up here in the Highlands by the glaciers."
" Where are the glaciers now? " asked a curious old lady. " They've gone back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.
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Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland.
" Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ "
They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further.
" On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery."
An English tourist grew understandably irate.
" Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other ? "
Sandy glared. " Not on this bus! " he growled.
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A group of Americans were touring Scotand. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too rainy. The hotel accommodations are awful. The group arrived at Scone Palace the site of the famous Stone of Destiny. "Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

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