Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three ...Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to d...A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae a big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Scotsman Goes To Dentist
A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.
“85 pounds for an extraction, sir” the dentist replied.
“85 quid! Huv ye no’got anythin’ cheaper?”
“Th...Scotsman Goes To Dentist
A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.
“85 pounds for an extraction, sir” the dentist replied.
“85 quid! Huv ye no’got anythin’ cheaper?”
“That’s the normal charge,” said the dentist.
“Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?”
“That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off.”
“Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?”
“I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds.”
“How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin’ and learnin’?”
“It’ll be good for the students”, mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic.”
“Och, now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman. “Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?”
One Christmas Eve, three Glesga Guys died and approached the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "OK, if you each can come up with something related to
Christmas I'll let you in."
The first Glesga Guy takes ou...One Christmas Eve, three Glesga Guys died and approached the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "OK, if you each can come up with something related to
Christmas I'll let you in."
The first Glesga Guy takes out his car keys, and shakes them. St. Peter
asks what that had to do with Christmas. He says that it
represented the Bells of Christmas. St Peter lets him in.
The second guy takes out his keys, but he has one of those little
lights on his chain, and turns it on. St. Peter asks what that had to do
with Christmas. He says that it represented the Star of Bethlehem.
St Peter lets him in.
The third Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of
woman's panties, and St Peter asks him what that was all about.
He says: "They're Carols"
Poor auld Glesga has sich a turrible reputation...
Glasgow Banter:
Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to
hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle
Q. What do you call a Glaswe...Poor auld Glesga has sich a turrible reputation...
Glasgow Banter:
Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to
hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle
Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
A. The accused
Q. Why does the River Clyde run through Glasgow?
A. Because if it walked it would be mugged
Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a three-bedroom semi?
A. A burglar
Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
Q. What do you say to a Glaswegian in a uniform?
A. Big Mac & Fries, please
Q. What's the first question at a Glasgow pub quiz?
A. What are you looking at?
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Jo...The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes miss. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Barbara when she's been drinking."
A Scot who had emigrated and spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend back in Scotland. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroa...A Scot who had emigrated and spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend back in Scotland. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle - Whooee da Whoee! - but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit - but, only a glancing blow - and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's cottage attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he ...DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '
'No', said Cameron - 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Milliband wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... and it probably widnae be ane accident either!
Scottish Tour Guides
The guide at Edinburgh Castle when asked why he was lacking the first finger on his right hand, answered: " I've been a guide, man and boy, for twenty-five years, and I just natura...Scottish Tour Guides
The guide at Edinburgh Castle when asked why he was lacking the first finger on his right hand, answered: " I've been a guide, man and boy, for twenty-five years, and I just naturally wore that finger off pointing out places of interest to inquisitive tourists."
------------------------------------------------------- ------
" These rock formations, " explained the tourist-worn guide, " were piled up here in the Highlands by the glaciers."
" Where are the glaciers now? " asked a curious old lady. " They've gone back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.
------------------------------------------------------- ------
Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland.
" Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ "
They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further.
" On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery."
An English tourist grew understandably irate.
" Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other ? "
Sandy glared. " Not on this bus! " he growled.
------------------------------------------------------- ------
A group of Americans were touring Scotand. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too rainy. The hotel accommodations are awful. The group arrived at Scone Palace the site of the famous Stone of Destiny. "Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
A little something for the hopeless romantics!
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then fin...A little something for the hopeless romantics!
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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