Och aye, laddie, huv ye never heard of the wild haggis hunters o' the Heilans? Y'see, laddie, the thing about the haggis is that it makes its home in the Scottish Heilans, which are full of big muckle...Och aye, laddie, huv ye never heard of the wild haggis hunters o' the Heilans? Y'see, laddie, the thing about the haggis is that it makes its home in the Scottish Heilans, which are full of big muckle mountains...
Noo, Evolution has gifted the haggis wi' two wee right legs and two big long left legs, so they dinna topple o'er when they run around yon hills (clockwise, nat'rally.) Yon Haggis are fun-loving little critters, but they're easily startled - so all the hunter laddie has to do is make a wee hide where he knows a haggis is going to run past, then BANG!, he leaps out in front of the puir wee thing, which gets a fright an' tries to turn around and run anti-clockwise. But as ye ken, the haggis is only gifted to run clockwise, so it topples over and bounces all the way down the mountain. After a good day's haggis-frightnin', the hunter walks doon, picks up all the puir helpless haggi, and sells them at the local market...
Two golfers enjoying their game and looking forward to the "nineteenth" hole reach the eighteenth and as the are about to address their last puts the see a guy sitting on a railway bridge nearby casti...Two golfers enjoying their game and looking forward to the "nineteenth" hole reach the eighteenth and as the are about to address their last puts the see a guy sitting on a railway bridge nearby casting an imaginary line.
"Heh, Tam. Look at that daft bugger," says the one to the other.
" Aw, that's a shame so it is. Remember Wullie, There, but for the Grace of God, go I."
They finish their game and Tam, still feeling sorry for the guy, goes over to the railway bridge.
" Excuse me, pal," he says," Your probably in the mood for a bit of refreshment. Would you mind if I offer to invite you as a guest to the clubhouse for a wee drink ?"
" Aye, don't mind if you do." So he puts away his imaginary rod and joins them.
After a beer and two whiskeys, Wullie, laughing, says "And how many have you caught today?"
"Aye, you two are the furst !"
"Heaven seems vera little improvement on Glesca" a Glasgow man is said to have murmured after his death to a friend who had predeceased him. "Laddie, this is nae Heaven," the other replied.
*******
Jimm..."Heaven seems vera little improvement on Glesca" a Glasgow man is said to have murmured after his death to a friend who had predeceased him. "Laddie, this is nae Heaven," the other replied.
*******
Jimmy was walking across the suspension bridge on the Clyde when he saw a man about to jump into the water. Jimmy tried to stop him by suggesting he should think of his family. "I dinna have a family" was the response. "Well, think about Rangers" but the man was not a Rangers supporter. "Well think about Celtic then." But he was not a Celtic supporter either. "Och in that case," said Jimmy, "Jump, ye atheist."
*******
The only plumber in Glasgow to charge reasonable fees died and was sent to Hell by mistake. Eventually it was realised in Heaven that there was an honest Glaswegian plumber in the wrong place so Saint Peter telephoned (on the hot line) to Satan.
"Have you got an honest plumber there?"
"Yes."
"He's ours, so can you send him up?"
"You can't have him!"
"Why not?"
"Because he's the only one who understands air conditioning. It's really cool down here now."
"Send him up at once," shouted Saint Peter, "or we'll sue."
"You'll sue?" laughed the voice at the other end. "And where will you get hold of a lawyer in Heaven?"
It's tough to get old...
A recent study by a Scottish university claims that elderly people who drink whisky, beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density.
The report goes on to...It's tough to get old...
A recent study by a Scottish university claims that elderly people who drink whisky, beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density.
The report goes on to say that they need that extra bone density - they're the ones falling down the most.
********
Three Scotsmen, all in their 80s and each rather hard of hearing, were playing golf one fine but windy September day.
One remarked "Windy, isn't it?" The second Scot replied "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."
At that point the third man chimed in, "I'm thirsty too. Let's have a beer."
Feeling generous I'll give ya a twofer...
An auld Scotman in a wheelchair, was taken to a smart hotel by his son. The auld man had never seen a Lift before and he was watching it closely. As they were ...Feeling generous I'll give ya a twofer...
An auld Scotman in a wheelchair, was taken to a smart hotel by his son. The auld man had never seen a Lift before and he was watching it closely. As they were approachin' it, an old woman, all bent over got into it and the old man sat there, watching the lights as it went up to the top floor, then down again. When the door opened, a luscious blonde walked out!. The auld man was almost choking. His son says,"What's the matter Dad?", and the auld man says, "Quick, run home and get yer Maw!".
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of "keeping up with the Jones...Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of "keeping up with the Joneses." If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would promptly be freshened up.
And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbeques, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps - almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbor and promptly one-upped by the other.
Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better buck or a fatter string of ducks than the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and Mackintosh went on their expeditions together.
One evening, Mackintosh received a telephone call from Foteringham.
"The duck hunting season starts tomorrow, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in joinin' me for the first shoot of the year?"
"Fer certain I'll be there!" replied the Scot. "Let's start oot in the wee hours o' the mornin', for I would like to be on the lake when the sun comes up."
At 5:00 the next morning the Englishman was on Mackintosh's doorstep. Together they went out to their favorite lake and waited for the sunrise. Fotheringham had brought along new dog - a rather nondescript spaniel. As the sun came up behind them, a flock of ducks flew over the water. "I'll get this one," said Fotheringham, as he swung his Jeager over and under. He pulled the trigger, and a greenhead tumbled out of the flock and splashed on to the surface of the lake.
Fotheringham looked down at his dog. "All right, boy, go get it!" Immediately the dog jumped out of the boat. In amazement, Mackintosh watched the dog as it ran on top of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back across the surface of the lake. It leaped the gunwhale and deposited the duck at his master's feet, having not so much as got a hair on its chest wet.
Bursting with pride, Fotheringham asked, "There! What do ya think of that?"
Mackintosh looked at the dog, looked at Fotheringham, looked again at the dog, then looked up at the Englishman. After some thought, he said slowly, "If ye want me opinion, I think ye got taken. I wouldna spend good money on a dog that dinna know how to swim!"
Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar,
drinking beer.
Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life
withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll g...Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar,
drinking beer.
Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life
withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college
and sign up for some classes."
Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and
Logic.
"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's that?"
The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"
"Aye"
"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden."
"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."
"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."
"Aye, I do have a hoose."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."
"I have a femily."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."
"Aye, I dae have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a strimmer."
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and
leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.
He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths,
English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's that?"
Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"
"No."
"Then you're a poof."
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such
great physical condition?'
I'm Scottish and I am a golf...An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such
great physical condition?'
I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways.
I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Da's deid?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi'
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had
anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a
golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad's deid?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing
with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Sandy met Donald, an old friend, after the passage of some years, and the following conversation took place:
"I've been married since I last saw you, Donald."
" Married, Sandy, " that's good.
" Oh, not s...Sandy met Donald, an old friend, after the passage of some years, and the following conversation took place:
"I've been married since I last saw you, Donald."
" Married, Sandy, " that's good.
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was a terrible scold."
" Married to a scold, you say ? That's very bad Sandy."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She had lots of money."
" A wife with money. Sandy ! That's very, very good."
" Oh, not so good, Donald, she was very thrifty with it."
" A wife with money. Sandy. And very thrifty with it. That's not good."
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She built a house with it."
" A house of your own, Sandy. That's very fine."
" Not so fine, Donald. The house burned down."
" The new house built with your wife's money burned down. Sandy ? That's very bad for sure ! "
" Oh, not so bad, Donald. She was in it! "
Three wee ones...
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. A...Three wee ones...
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
------------------------------------------------------- ------
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
------------------------------------------------------- ------
A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted.
My friend then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"
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