In the wild highlands of Scotland, Iain's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor ha...In the wild highlands of Scotland, Iain's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Iain!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Iain scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
I think this happened on the road from Kelso to Jedburg...
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I underst...I think this happened on the road from Kelso to Jedburg...
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Aye, tha's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"
"Aye, but..." stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Aye," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident ma horse was thrashin aroun wi a broken leg and ma poor auld dug was howling in pain. This polis man comes alang, taks ane look at ma horse and shoots him deid. "Then he gangs oer tae ma dug, looks at him and shoots him deid too.
Then he come straight oer to me and asks me how Ah was feeling. "Now, mate, wha the hell would ye have said to him?"
Young Sandy moved to the highlands and bought a horse from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed ta deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, laddie, but Ah have som...Young Sandy moved to the highlands and bought a horse from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed ta deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, laddie, but Ah have some bad news, The horse deed."
Sandy replied, "Weel, then jist giv ma ma money back."
The farmer said, "Cannae do tha. Ah went and spent it already."
Sandy said, "Och, then, just bring ma the deid horse."
The farmer asked, "Wha ya gang do wit a deid horse?"
Sandy said, "Ah'm gang ta raffle 'im arf."
The farmer said, "Ya cannae raffle arf a deid horse!"
Sandy said, "Sure ah can. Watch ma. Ah jist won't tell anybody e's deid."
A month later, the farmer met up with Sandy and enquired,
"Wha happend wi tha deid horse?"
Sandy said, "Ah raffled 'im arf. Ah sold 500 tickets a twa pounds a Piece and made a net profit of £898.00."
The farmer said, "Did nae ane complain?"
Sandy said, "Jist the fella wha won. So Ah gav im his twa pounds back."
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said,
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles a...The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said,
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."
"Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together.
It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"Would it be OK if she carries the golf bag while we walk?"
A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.
"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking ...A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.
"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."
No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!
"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"
"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.
"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."
"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,
"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands wh...On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and sectarianism, bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nil about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".
Glesga birth control!
After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney
McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his GP and ...Glesga birth control!
After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney
McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the
doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an
empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the
sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a
firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no
tae huv ony mair weans.'
Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put
it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley , and some parts of Livingston, Coatbridge and Bathgate
Poor auld Glesga has sich a turrible reputation...
Glasgow Banter:
Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to
hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle
Q. What do you call a Glaswe...Poor auld Glesga has sich a turrible reputation...
Glasgow Banter:
Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to
hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle
Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
A. The accused
Q. Why does the River Clyde run through Glasgow?
A. Because if it walked it would be mugged
Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a three-bedroom semi?
A. A burglar
Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
Q. What do you say to a Glaswegian in a uniform?
A. Big Mac & Fries, please
Q. What's the first question at a Glasgow pub quiz?
A. What are you looking at?
A bad day all around...
A Glasgow man thinks his wife is having an affair, so he decides to come home in the afternoon to see if anything is going on. When he gets in his wife is in bed alone, she says...A bad day all around...
A Glasgow man thinks his wife is having an affair, so he decides to come home in the afternoon to see if anything is going on. When he gets in his wife is in bed alone, she says she had a headache so decided to have a lie down. Not believing her he begins to search the flat, going on to the balcony he spots finger tips clinging on. "I knew it", he said, and ran over and stamped hard on the fingers. The man, loosing his grip, drops all the way down the 15 floors before his fall is miraculously saved by a shop awning. Seeing this, the husband grabbed the nearest heavy object, a large trunk, and pushed it over killing the man on the awning instantly.
When he realised what he had done, and how he had been betrayed, he jumped over the balcony to his death.
As the queue moved towards the pearly gates, St Peter asked the first man how he had died. "Well," he said, "I was working on a roof fixing some tiles when I lost my footing and slid off. By some lucky fate I was able to grab on to a balcony but before I could get up some idiot stood on my fingers. Then I landed in an awning and thought God was smiling on me until I was hit by a large falling trunk." St Peter ushered him inside.
The second man explained he had found his wife's lover, killed him in a rage and then had taken his own life. St Peter took pity and also allowed him in.
The third man said, "Well, I was hiding in this trunk..."
Edward I of England arrives on the Scottish-English border to conquer the Scots.
He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the ...Edward I of England arrives on the Scottish-English border to conquer the Scots.
He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt. ‘Come up here, ya English bastards, and I’ll give ye a hammerin’!’
Edward turns to his commander. ‘Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. ‘Ya English diddies!’ he yells, ‘Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I’ll take ye all on!’
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. ‘Send 100 men to kill that little shite!’ The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. ‘Ya English SCUM!’ he yells, ‘I’m just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English pricks!!’
Edward losses patience, ‘Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!’ he yells.. The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood. ‘Is that the best ye can do??? You’re bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English pussies!!!’ he yells.
Edward turns to his second in command. ‘Take 1,000 men over that hill and don’t come back till you’ve killed that little red haired bastard!’ he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. Covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back.
‘Your Majesty!’ he yells, ‘It’s a trap!!! There’s two of them!!!’.
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clare odonnell likes this.
...ha, I am the product of a reversal-vasectomy. Dad & Mom had four..but a wee elder sister of mine died as a baby and he had a reversal later. I am "miracle" baby.
Gotta love how computers get lazy and just skip letters as if it's too much work for them to put in everything we type.
