Deathbed Confession.
Jimmy was on his deathbed. His wife Agnes, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He look...Deathbed Confession.
Jimmy was on his deathbed. His wife Agnes, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'Aw hen, ma wee sweetheart,' he whispered.
'Hush, Jimmy,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Agnes,' he said in his tired voice. 'Ah've got tae tell ye something.' 'There's nothing to tell,' replied the weeping Agnes. 'Everything's aw right, go to sleep.'
'Naw, naw. I must die in peace, Agnes. I had an affair with your sister, your best pal and your Ma.'
'I know, I know' she whispered...... 'That's why I poisoned you.'
First day of School!
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought...First day of School!
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy.............
"It's a puppy!"
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Och, Ah was...A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Och, Ah was having a wee round of golf wi' ma wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced oor balls inta a coo pasture.' We went
ta look for em and while Ah was looking roond Ah noticed ane of the
coos had somethin white at its rear end.'
'Ah walked ooer, lifted ats tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball wi'
ma wife's monogram on at - stuck right in the middle of the coo's butt.'
Still holding the coo's tail up, Ah yelled to my wife, 'Och, this
looks like yoor's!'
'Ah don' remember much after tha...
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too g...Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer its all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Aberdeen . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.
Gift from God!
There was a Church of Scotland Minister whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
Congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule t...Gift from God!
There was a Church of Scotland Minister whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
Congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Minister's family expanded so would his salary.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Minister's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Minister stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Who said....
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school ...Who said....
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.' Teacher: "Right class , who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: Yes, Jeremy." Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'" Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss,meeeeee!"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent: "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing." Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from?" Teacher looking round the class: "Who said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746.
See yous on Tuesday."
Almost a Scottish joke, but I just couldn't resist!
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"...Almost a Scottish joke, but I just couldn't resist!
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells . . . . . .
"SUPPLIES!"
Wife and Husband are lying in bed when there's a loud chap at the door. The husband gets up, puts on the dressing gown and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and hears the voice shout 'hey pal, can ye ...Wife and Husband are lying in bed when there's a loud chap at the door. The husband gets up, puts on the dressing gown and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and hears the voice shout 'hey pal, can ye gie's a push?'
Infuriated, the husband shouts back 'do you realise it's two in the morning? I've my work to get up for in a few hours you know'. With this he slams the door and heads back upstairs. As he goes back to bed the wife asks who it was. After explaining, she sits up and angrily chastises him, saying 'D'ye mind that time we were stuck wae the weans when the car broke down in the middle o' the night, miles from onywhere? what would hae happent tae us if a stranger hadnae stopped tae help?"
Feeling her wrath and knowing she was right, he got up, put on his dressing gown and went back downstairs. He opened the front door and shouted 'hey pal, you still need a push?"
'Aye' came the reply.
'Well where are ye then, ah cannae see ye?'said the husband.
'Over here' came the reply...'oan the swings'
A young woman returning to Edinburgh on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's el...A young woman returning to Edinburgh on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle...Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building. Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido." But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside' They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate." As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan' Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion, "It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"
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