The Scottish hospital
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit he is shown into a ward with several beds, whose occupants seem to have no obvious signs ...The Scottish hospital
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit he is shown into a ward with several beds, whose occupants seem to have no obvious signs of injury. But as he approaches the first bed, the patient pipes up:
"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."
Being somewhat taken aback, he goes to the next patient and is immediately greeted with:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it.
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what aq panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need not start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!"
He quietly asks the doctor accompanying him if they have unexpectedly entered the psychiatric ward. "Och, Nay," replies his guide; "this is the serious Burns unit."
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought,
"What the heck.....A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought,
"What the heck..., I'll give her a treat!"
So, they walked past it again...
I make no apologies...
Edinburgh house painter Smokey Macgregor was always interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
One year Canon...I make no apologies...
Edinburgh house painter Smokey Macgregor was always interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
One year Canongate Church decided to do a big outside restoration job.
Smokey put in a bid for the painting part of the project and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
He erected scaffolding, set up planks and ladders, and bought many gallons of paint. And yes, I am sorry to say, even though it was for the kirk, he thinned the paint down with water.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the turf among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got to his knees and cried:
"Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunderous sky a mighty voice spoke. . .
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey...SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??
Dating in the “60”s
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
“Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she we...Dating in the “60”s
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
“Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. “Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?”
“Iced tea, please,” Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. “So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.
“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...”
“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him. “Really?” Fred replied; eyebrows rose.
“Oh yes,” the mother continued. “When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!”
“Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous. “Yes,” said the mother. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”
“Well, thanks for the tip!” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
“Have fun, kids!” the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
“The Twist, Mom!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The bloody dance is called the Twist!
An Archbishop and a Glasgow taxi driver died on the same day. When they got to the Pearly Gates they were met by Saint Peter whom they asked for entry into Paradise.
Saint Peter checked his files.
He sa...An Archbishop and a Glasgow taxi driver died on the same day. When they got to the Pearly Gates they were met by Saint Peter whom they asked for entry into Paradise.
Saint Peter checked his files.
He said to the taxi driver, "Here,take this Golden Staff and Silk Robe and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven."
Saint Peter turned to the Archbishop and said, "Take this thin cotton robe and a wooden staff and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven."
The Archbishop was very annoyed and he questioned Saint Peter. "Don't you think you have us mixed up, Saint Peter?"
"Oh no," said Saint Peter. "When YOU preached, everybody slept. And when the taxi driver DROVE, everybody prayed."
Old Archie had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for nearly fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench. Hearing how keenly their old e...Old Archie had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for nearly fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench. Hearing how keenly their old employee felt leaving the service, the Company arranged to present him with an old coach to keep at the bottom of his garden to serve as a daily reminder of his active days on the line.
One very wet day some of his friends called to see Archie and were informed by his wife that he would be 'on the train.' Going down the garden they found Archie sitting on the step of the carriage, smoking furiously at his pipe and with an old sack over his shoulders to protect him from the downpour.
'Hello, Archie,' his friends greeted him, 'why are ye no inside in a day like this?'
'Can ye no see?' replied Archie with a nod towards the windows, 'they only sent me a non-smoker.'
Looking over a farmyard wall the other day, I saw a huge pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, I sought out the farmer and said "I have just seen your pig with a wooden leg, it must mean a lot to you to h...Looking over a farmyard wall the other day, I saw a huge pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, I sought out the farmer and said "I have just seen your pig with a wooden leg, it must mean a lot to you to have gone to the lengths of fitting it with an artificial limb".
"Oh yes" said the farmer, "it's a special pig. A few months ago my son fell into the pond and that pig dived straight in and pulled him out with its teeth".
"Well" said I "that really is something".
"That's not all" said the farmer "a month ago the house caught fire and that pig grunted real loud to wake us up, barged the door down and ran upstairs. My daughter was unconscious from the smoke and he grabbed her nightdress with his teeth and dragged her out. Saved us all did that pig".
"That really is marvellous" I said.
"Oh there's more" said the farmer, "two weeks ago my herd of sheep got out and strayed onto the main road. That pig rushed out and rounded them up like a sheep dog, brought them home and saved the flock, it really is a superb pig".
"That really is amazing" I said "but why has it got a wooden leg"?
"Oh well", said the farmer "when you've a pig like that you can't eat it all at once, can you?"!
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to d...A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae a big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
- Lachlan's Laws
That great Highland philosopher, Lachlan McLachlan, propounded a number of irrefutable laws of life, the universe and everything. His greatest observations were made at the bar of ...- Lachlan's Laws
That great Highland philosopher, Lachlan McLachlan, propounded a number of irrefutable laws of life, the universe and everything. His greatest observations were made at the bar of the Auchentiddlum Arms, usually after consuming copious quantities of Buckfast Tonic Wine. Below is a selection of some of his greatest insights, recorded by his great admirer Jimmy Boswell.
Lachlan's Laws
* "Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about."
* "A closed mouth gathers no feet."
* "The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act."
* "The most common cause of hearing loss amongst men is a wife saying she wants to talk to him."
* Lachlan's Theorem of the Bath - "When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone invariably rings."
* "The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first."
* "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
* "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
* "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer."
* "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look bright until you hear them speak."
* "The man who thinks he knows it all, is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do."
* "The reason we Scots fight so often among ourselves is that we're always assured of having a worthy opponent."
* "When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 15 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." (Note that there are 15 jurors in Scotland, not 12).
* "When women see the first strand of grey hair they think they are going to dye..."
* "The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug."
* "All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards that causes all the problems."
* "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
* "At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and during a critical time in the show."
* "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
* "Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."
* "Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."
* "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again."
* "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
* "In slow moving traffic, if you move to another lane because it is moving faster, it always slows down and the lane you were in speeds up."
* "Wisdom comes with age - but sometimes age comes alone."
* "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right - and the other person is a husband..."
* "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."
* "Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside."
* "Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often."
* "Someone who thinks logically makes a nice contrast to the real world."
* "You know when you're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before."
* "The only way to keep healthy is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." (Although Mark Twain may have said it first).
* "The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow."
* "A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
* "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
* "Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes..."
* "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead."
* "There is no vaccine against stupidity!"
* "A man with no sense of humour probably doesn't have any sense at all."
* "Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning."
* "Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
* "Women who think they are the equal of men lack ambition."
* "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
* "If at first you don't succeed - skydiving is not for you."
* "No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes."
* "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."
* "A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."
* "The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it."
* "To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all."
* "Any married man can forget his past mistakes - there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things."
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