There's a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They've got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He ...There's a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They've got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent. Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent. Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!"
Guess what it was?......
I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that
he has a better education then...A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that
he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huv te come to a complete stop, that's the law, Licence
and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you
my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
Smiling, the London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating ten bells out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
A Glasgow man was at his barbers getting his hair cut before a trip to Rome with his wife. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded ...A Glasgow man was at his barbers getting his hair cut before a trip to Rome with his wife. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Air Italia," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Air Italia?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what you doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for a haircut. The barber asked him about the Rome trip.
"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the man, "Not only were we on time in one of Air Italia's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a gorgeous 20-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
Well," muttered the barber, "that's all well and good, but I just know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get that bloody awful haircut?"
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlem...Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience." When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,
" Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight. "
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall liv...Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I...An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad i have i have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you bloody English!"
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day y...A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches just 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the putt, didn't you?'
A very posh Englishwoman is waiting on her husband to arrive for dinner at a very nice restaurant in Edinburgh where they're vacationing. The restaurant is buzzing with people, quite a large dinner c...A very posh Englishwoman is waiting on her husband to arrive for dinner at a very nice restaurant in Edinburgh where they're vacationing. The restaurant is buzzing with people, quite a large dinner crowd for a weeknight,she thought. Suddenly, without any warning, she breaks wind, quite loudly. She looks at the waiter and demands"Stop that!". With a flabbergasted look, he asks her, "Well lass, which way dae ye think it's headed?"
This is courtesy of the Midland Highlanders website!
The Bass Drummer one day is having trouble putting together a puzzle, and try as he might he simply couldn't get the pieces to go together properly....This is courtesy of the Midland Highlanders website!
The Bass Drummer one day is having trouble putting together a puzzle, and try as he might he simply couldn't get the pieces to go together properly. So he gives the Tenor Drummers a call and says, " I just can't get this puzzle going can you give me a hand?"
The tenor drummers being kind of heart, take pity on the Bass Drummer and run right over to help, but sure enough they can't get the puzzle to go together; so they call the Snare drummers over telling them, " The Bass drummer called us to help him with this puzzle, and we can't figure it out either, can you come over and give us a hand?"
Well, the Snare drummers, being kind of heart as well, run right over to the Bass Drummers house and sure enough they are just as confused by the puzzle as the others, and they exclaimed, "Let's call the Lead tip, he'll know what to do!"
So the Lead tip ran over as fast as he could and sure enough he couldn't make heads or tails of the puzzle. The Lead tip said, "Well, the Bass Drummer can't figure it, the Tenor Drummers can't figure it, all the Snare drummers can't figure it, and I am just as confused as you on how to put it together. Let's just call the Pipe Major, I am sure he can get this puzzle together for us." So they called the Pipe Major.
Pipey asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Pipey decides to go over and help with the puzzle. The drummers let him in and show him where the puzzle is spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to the drummers and says, No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
So let's just put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man...A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"
The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."
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