WIFE: Wha wid ya do if ah deid? Wid ya git married agin?
HUSBAND: Och, nae likely!
WIFE: Why nae - don ya like beeng married?
HUSBAND: Aye, a course ah do.
WIFE: Thun wha wid ya nae remarry?
HUSBAND: Arrig...WIFE: Wha wid ya do if ah deid? Wid ya git married agin?
HUSBAND: Och, nae likely!
WIFE: Why nae - don ya like beeng married?
HUSBAND: Aye, a course ah do.
WIFE: Thun wha wid ya nae remarry?
HUSBAND: Arright, Ah'd git married agin.
WIFE: Ya wid? (Wi a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Wid ya live in oor hoose?
HUSBAND: Aye, it's a grand hoose.
WIFE: Wid ya sleep wi her in oor bed?
HUSBAND: Aye. Where else wid we sleep?
WIFE: Wid ya let her drive ma car?
HUSBAND: Aye. Tis almoos new.
WIFE: Wid ya replace ma photies wi hers?
HUSBAND: Tha wid seem tha proper thang ta do.
WIFE: Wid she use ma golf clubs?
HUSBAND: Nae, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: Ooh ma...
Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - it...Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.
So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.
Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.
Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'
Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad!
"So how can I help?" asks the therapist
"It's like this, Ah've start...Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad!
"So how can I help?" asks the therapist
"It's like this, Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no-one's there, immediately, my brain tells me there's somebody on top of it and this goes on all night - under - top - under - top. It's driving me mental!"
The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this."
"Oh great!" says Wee Shuggie
"Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time." says the therapist making some notes
"And how much will that be?" asks wee Shuggie
"£60 per session" the therapist informs him
Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money and goes for a consoling drink at his local.
The therapist never sees wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. He is surprised to see him look so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he had last seen
"Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug
"At £60 a pop, twice a week for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!"
"How on earth did he do that?"
"He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"
A Welchman, an Irishman, an Englishman and a Glaswegian...
Giez a joab
The Jennifer, chairwoman of a well known chain of stores, had the task of hiring someone to fill the vacancy of Chief Executive. Af...A Welchman, an Irishman, an Englishman and a Glaswegian...
Giez a joab
The Jennifer, chairwoman of a well known chain of stores, had the task of hiring someone to fill the vacancy of Chief Executive. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people equally qualified. She then called the four in and asked them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, she asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The Welshman replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the Irish man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'
She then turned to the English man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wee Jimmy, who was looking very pensive and forlorn, in the corner, Jennifer posed the same question.
Jimmy replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Jimmy. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t myself..'
Wee Jimmy became Chief Executive of Tesco's!
A Scot and an Arab
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion.
As the gentleman h...A Scot and an Arab
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 5 series, a diamond encrusted Rolex and £50000.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Just to be fair after the last one...
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that s...Just to be fair after the last one...
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....
...
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.....
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
I originally heard a variation of this as a blonde joke but I like this one too!
A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a du...I originally heard a variation of this as a blonde joke but I like this one too!
A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...
'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'
The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'
That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep.
He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.
Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called you...you want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'
A Scottish Chemistry Teacher is doing an experiment for his class. He takes a pound coin out of his wallet, drops it in a beaker of acid and asks, "Now class, will this Pound coin be dissolved by the ...A Scottish Chemistry Teacher is doing an experiment for his class. He takes a pound coin out of his wallet, drops it in a beaker of acid and asks, "Now class, will this Pound coin be dissolved by the acid?"
One pupil puts his hand up. "No sir, it definitely will not!"
The teacher smiles, "That's right, lad - well done! Now, can you explain why?"
The boy smiles back, "Well, if the acid was going to dissolve your coin, you would have used a penny."
Baptising a Glaswegian
A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps...Baptising a Glaswegian
A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
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