WIFE: Wha wid ya do if ah deid? Wid ya git married agin?
HUSBAND: Och, nae likely!
WIFE: Why nae - don ya like beeng married?
HUSBAND: Aye, a course ah do.
WIFE: Thun wha wid ya nae remarry?
HUSBAND: Arrig...WIFE: Wha wid ya do if ah deid? Wid ya git married agin?
HUSBAND: Och, nae likely!
WIFE: Why nae - don ya like beeng married?
HUSBAND: Aye, a course ah do.
WIFE: Thun wha wid ya nae remarry?
HUSBAND: Arright, Ah'd git married agin.
WIFE: Ya wid? (Wi a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Wid ya live in oor hoose?
HUSBAND: Aye, it's a grand hoose.
WIFE: Wid ya sleep wi her in oor bed?
HUSBAND: Aye. Where else wid we sleep?
WIFE: Wid ya let her drive ma car?
HUSBAND: Aye. Tis almoos new.
WIFE: Wid ya replace ma photies wi hers?
HUSBAND: Tha wid seem tha proper thang ta do.
WIFE: Wid she use ma golf clubs?
HUSBAND: Nae, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: Ooh ma...
Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - it...Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.
So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.
Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.
Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'
Custody issue...
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by h...Custody issue...
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
This is courtesy of the Midland Highlanders website!
The Bass Drummer one day is having trouble putting together a puzzle, and try as he might he simply couldn't get the pieces to go together properly....This is courtesy of the Midland Highlanders website!
The Bass Drummer one day is having trouble putting together a puzzle, and try as he might he simply couldn't get the pieces to go together properly. So he gives the Tenor Drummers a call and says, " I just can't get this puzzle going can you give me a hand?"
The tenor drummers being kind of heart, take pity on the Bass Drummer and run right over to help, but sure enough they can't get the puzzle to go together; so they call the Snare drummers over telling them, " The Bass drummer called us to help him with this puzzle, and we can't figure it out either, can you come over and give us a hand?"
Well, the Snare drummers, being kind of heart as well, run right over to the Bass Drummers house and sure enough they are just as confused by the puzzle as the others, and they exclaimed, "Let's call the Lead tip, he'll know what to do!"
So the Lead tip ran over as fast as he could and sure enough he couldn't make heads or tails of the puzzle. The Lead tip said, "Well, the Bass Drummer can't figure it, the Tenor Drummers can't figure it, all the Snare drummers can't figure it, and I am just as confused as you on how to put it together. Let's just call the Pipe Major, I am sure he can get this puzzle together for us." So they called the Pipe Major.
Pipey asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Pipey decides to go over and help with the puzzle. The drummers let him in and show him where the puzzle is spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to the drummers and says, No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
So let's just put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Amanda Moffet shared a photo
This could be the best Scottish themed cake I've seen.
Everyone's favorite recipe!
SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup...Everyone's favorite recipe!
SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??
Amanda Moffet shared a photo
Amanda Moffet shared a photo
Banana Ness
Is this heaven?
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would yo...Is this heaven?
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
" Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
" Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A p...A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
page=11&callback_module_id=pages&callback_item_id=420&year=&month=
View More
tony carroll, bruce clayton hauff, Angela Rogers Perez and 1 other person likes this.
